Good morning, Lord.
I feel restless this morning, not very settled, like I want to GO somewhere, preferably get to moving OUT of this house! But there’s no money, no way to even put my best things in storage. And now, for the first time in many years, I am facing not even having a car to sleep in, if we get evicted. I have 2 weeks left to get my car fixed and pass inspection and get the registration renewed, or else it is illegal to drive it. I feel like crying. I already gave my husband all my money. And he hasn’t gotten a check in right around a month now — maybe even more. Despite the fact that he works from sunup to sundown. I know in a couple more weeks, he will start getting checks again. And there’s still a chance the company he worked for that went under will give him SOME of the couple thousand they owe him. But we are 2 months behind on rent, and about the same on paying his child support. And my husband desperately needs a $300 piece of equipment, because his is dying and if it totally goes, he won’t even be able to do his job. So my car is way down on the priority list. I feel like scum, white trash, so discouraged and unfruitful. I pray every day for God to get us out of this debilitating poverty, and preferably to increase my own income — give me something to do that makes more money, more faster. But I’m pretty useless. All I can do is create digital products that help teachers all over the world. I can make websites that SHOULD draw people, but never enough to actually pay a single bill. I give away most of what I make, because I care. But when does the CARE come BACK?! I feel like Job, like I’ve lost just about everything. Like everyone looks at me and just sees someone who HAS to be cursed by God, so destitute. Lord, I am HURTING!!! Please help me to hang onto the one special thing you’ve given me — my love for Asarum species and the Aristolochia family. I know it is your way of putting a little sunshine in my heart, reminding me of those beautiful pieces of your creation. Please let it be ENOUGH. Lord, I’m almost suicidal, I feel so discouraged and alone this morning! You know my heart, the other thing that is hurting so bad, which I cannot talk about to anyone else on the planet besides MAYBE the two people involved. It hurts to be so alone, such Garbage People. Please let me ride on the wings of your beautiful creation — and my appreciation for it — above these hurtful, lonely moments. And let me find my way back to JOY again, Lord, so I can continue to grow and give you glory. Thank you, Shepherd.
John 6:32-37 ERV
Jesus said, “I can assure you that Moses was not the one who gave your people bread from heaven. But my Father gives you the true bread from heaven.
God’s bread is the one who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.”
The people said, “Sir, from now on give us bread like that.”
Then Jesus said, “I am the bread that gives life. No one who comes to me will ever be hungry. No one who believes in me will ever be thirsty.
I told you before that you have seen me, and still you don’t believe.
The Father gives me my people. Every one of them will come to me. I will always accept them.
Jesus, I believe in you and I BELIEVE YOU. You will not let me slip away into my own lonely despair. You ARE enough. You can sustain me with yourself alone. I need nothing else. I may feel painfully betrayed and crippled by mine own heart, but I also know that you bind up the broken-hearted and give HOPE to your people. I reach out to you, Jesus. I put myself in your hands, Father. Sustain me, and do not let me do anything foolish. Let me survive moment-to-moment, enduring to the end. And let me somehow, some day, bring glory to your name. Thank you, Jesus.