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Jan 24

Lord, I really don’t know if I will survive this, and I’m not sure I even want to. Why did you not just take me home when I was sick and close to death, a week ago? Why does my heart feel so dead and lifeless and hopeless today, and how can I somehow find us a place to sleep tonight, in this condition? I just do not CARE. I see pics of my own family in days gone by, and I barely even recognize those people. I feel disengaged, distant, limp. I suppose my fever must be up once again, for I am shaky and cold. I trust you, but I just wish you’d bring me home. I don’t seem to be worth anything here, I just make things worse, I guess. All the Love I’ve poured out in this state for the last two months seems to have fallen to the ground, unreceived and useless. I feel like the pearls I cast turned me into swine myself. Thank you for giving my daughter a new life, and thank you for taking care of each of my sons. They are all set now. May I please just come home? I don’t feel like I can endure more hurt. I feel full and overflowing — and horribly overwhelmed.

 
Psalm 136 ERV

Praise the LORD because he is good. His faithful love will last forever. 
Praise the God of gods! His faithful love will last forever. 
Praise the Lord of lords! His faithful love will last forever. 
Praise him who alone does wonderful miracles! His faithful love will last forever. 
Praise the one who used wisdom to make the skies! His faithful love will last forever. 
He spread the land over the sea. His faithful love will last forever. 
He made the great lights. His faithful love will last forever. 
He made the sun to rule the day. His faithful love will last forever. 
He made the moon and stars to rule the night. His faithful love will last forever. 
He killed the firstborn males in Egypt, both men and animals. His faithful love will last forever. 
He took Israel out of Egypt. His faithful love will last forever. 
He used his powerful arms and strong hands. His faithful love will last forever. 
He split the Red Sea into two parts. His faithful love will last forever. 
He led Israel through the sea. His faithful love will last forever. 
He drowned Pharaoh and his army in the Red Sea. His faithful love will last forever. 
He led his people through the desert. His faithful love will last forever. 
He defeated powerful kings. His faithful love will last forever. 
He defeated strong kings. His faithful love will last forever. 
He defeated Sihon king of the Amorites. His faithful love will last forever. 
He defeated Og king of Bashan. His faithful love will last forever. 
He gave their land to Israel. His faithful love will last forever. 
He gave it as a gift to Israel, his servant. His faithful love will last forever. 
He remembered us when we were defeated. His faithful love will last forever. 
He saved us from our enemies. His faithful love will last forever. 
He provides food for all living things. His faithful love will last forever. 
Praise the God of heaven! His faithful love will last forever. 

 
Lord, my heart feels crushed and heavy within me. I feel like it is a cage that is so small and tight that I am suffocating within it. Help me to just remember who YOU are, and hang in there, trusting you to bring me through this. I am completely dependent upon your mercy. I am nothing. I have nothing. I lay myself on your altar, and pray that Jesus’ blood covers the stink that is me. Amen.

 

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