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Jul 17

Lord, I feel crushed by sorrow and homesickness! I miss my husband, my HOME, but I fear that home is gone, swallowed up by this world and its cares, deadlines, responsibilities, and temptations. I sit here helpless, wondering if I will ever have a chance to see him be FREE and light, knowing there is almost nothing I can do to make that happen. You are the mover of men’s hearts, Lord. Please move my husband’s heart and mind and body in the direction of his own pure freedom, no matter what that involves. I have enough from this life. I pretty much want nothing for myself. But he has experienced so little of the lightness and freedom and joy that you have allowed to me, Father. I still give my life for my friend, my chosen Mate. Show me how to help him, Shepherd. And help me to just relax, let go of my worry, and just trust YOU to take care of everything else, Lord. Amen.

Psalm 62:5-12 ERV

I must calm down and turn to God; he is my only hope. 
He is my Rock, the only one who can save me. He is my high place of safety, where no army can defeat me. 
My victory and honor come from God. He is the mighty Rock, where I am safe. 
People, always put your trust in God! Tell him all your problems. God is our place of safety. Selah 
People cannot really help. You cannot depend on them. Compared to God, they are nothing— no more than a gentle puff of air! 
Don’t trust in your power to take things by force. Don’t think you will gain anything by stealing. And if you become wealthy, don’t put your trust in riches. 
God says there is one thing you can really depend on, and I believe it: “Strength comes from God!” 
My Lord, your love is real. You reward all people for what they do.

Lord, my husband and I always pray for you to open and close the right doors, so that we can know and do your will, not our own. I miss those prayers. I miss that unity – what little of it we’ve been able to experience, before the enemy comes and steals it away again. I cry for that loss, and I ask you to restore what has been stolen.

Shepherd, I ask you to help me find my way this day through the overwhelming maze of open and closed doors, the mess of both wide open and extremely limited options. On the one hand, I have a dozen different websites I can build, so many things I could work on, digital projects of things to create and skills to practice. And that is just my business, my personal “brain work”! I also have a zillion different physical tasks just waiting for me here at my sister’s house, things I COULD clean and organize and do for her while she is away at work. Lord, you see my heart, how I sincerely desire to accomplish all of these and so much more! And yet, there are seemingly impossible restrictions on each one of them.

The Texas heat has followed me, resulting in an uncharacteristic heat wave here in Iowa. The most pressing chore outdoors seems to be mowing, yet the nature of the machines and my inexperience, the lay of the land and its current heat index, combined with my sluggish aching heart and desire to be in the house to hear when my husband calls, all conspire to create a seemingly CLOSED door on outdoor work right now. Yet I am limited in my own indoor work by having practically NO internet. Lord, why did you or my sister not tell me that she had an insanely low internet limit of 9 GB per month?! If I had known that, I would have been super frugal and only used it for the most essential things! But I haven’t had an internet limit myself (other than NO internet!) in like 4 years, and when I did it was never less than 150 GB, easily paying another $10 for each additional 100 GB. So now I have innocently used her tiny 10 GB mostly on entertainment, mostly yesterday… and I have nothing left for work, not to mention putting strain on our relationship and perhaps lowering my level of welcome and acceptance. This hurts, Lord. I really didn’t know! I did not get any check in my spirit, that I was doing anything wrong. I thought I was taking care of myself, allowing myself time to relax and enjoy somewhat of a “vacation”.

Now I feel like a total idiot, while I still have NO phone reception (cannot even text anyone!) and pretty much NO internet now, which means NO communication with anyone other than if someone calls the landline here and I happen to hear the phone ring. All stores and towns are way too far away to walk to, and I am not sure even my tiny bit of mobile data will work here. Lord, I am more isolated than I remember ever being. If it weren’t for the heat and the self-inflicted pressure of wanting to show progress on physical labors while my sister is gone and interact socially when she is here, I might be able to see this as an opportunity to just withdraw into you and your creation, and focus on healing and growth. But alas, things are rarely if ever that clean-cut.

Father, please forgive my emotional and mental discomfort and my stupid whining. Help me to find my way back to acceptance and gratitude and willingness to do whatever is before me at the given moment. Please move my husband’s heart to call the landline SOON, so that I can at least have an assurance that he is alive and well and not suffering alone somewhere. Heal my broken heart, Lord, and guide me through this intimidating minefield of options and limitations. I still trust you completely. Amen.

Lord, please make my mobile data work well enough to send at least this one post, even if it is the last one for a little while. Not my will, but yours be done. Amen.


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