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Jun 30

Hello, Father.
Lord, I feel useless, worthless, a failure. I cannot provide for my children, was not able to rise above the damaging effects of a torturous childhood to become a “success” enough to be financially stable and supportive of my family. This is one of those days when I wonder WHY oh WHY you allowed me to live through all the events in the first two decades of my life when I perhaps SHOULD have died. I was thrown out a window and left for dead when I was still in diapers (where the magnificent bass of nearby trains comforted me, then later my father retrieved me), got left hanging in a meat freezer with so many other sides of beef and almost froze to death, was very nearly drowned and forced to bury the other girl who did not make it, then was buried alive myself (and you appeared to me so sweetly, Lord Jesus — thank you!!) as a Samhain sacrifice at the age of 5, then only months later was severely tortured for 8 days straight like something out of one of the worst kinds of horror movies… by that time my father was routinely raping me… then I had a reprieve from THAT when I got my head beat in, resulting in a closed head injury that still effects me to this day… blah blah blah until my father himself gave me a neck injury just years before his death, that I still suffer from DAILY…! WHY, Lord? Why have you kept me alive through all that? What good am I to anyone? I feel like I am a burden to everyone I meet, when my heart so longs to HELP them…! What good does my hope, my joy, my faith do anyone besides myself?! What good does it do to have so much of your Love inside me, but not have an outlet for it? What are your intentions for me, Shepherd? I just want to hide, or die. HELP me, Lord Jesus, to just trust and obey. Comfort my achy heart, make me strong enough to be out in public all day without crying and making people feel uncomfortable. Amen.

Job 3:20-23 ERV

Why must a suffering person continue to live? Why let anyone live such a bitter life? 
Such people want to die, but death does not come. They search for death more than for hidden treasure. 
They would be happy to find their grave. They would rejoice to find their tomb. 
But God keeps their future a secret and builds a wall around them to protect them.

Lord, I know that many — perhaps most — people that have ever lived on this planet actually FEAR death. I thank you that I have been spared that fear, for having faced it over and over again in the first decade of my life, I have since only been able to see death as the reward for having lived, a time of final REST, a cessation of struggle. I love, love, love the feeling of “going under” when being prepped for surgery so much that it is amazing I am not attracted to any drugs (or even alcohol) that mimick that sensation. Instead, I just want to keep learning, keep growing. That is my “high” and my “escape”. Yet learning and growing do not earn me an income. I bear only spiritual fruits, not any that I can trade for money to help my husband and my children. I WANT to thank you again for making me a fool for you, but I confess to you that right now I feel PAINED by my status as “garbage people” — please forgive me this moment of self-pity, Lord, and help me to find a way out of this sorrowful trap. Thank you, Faithful Shepherd. Amen.


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