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Jun 7

Hello, Father.
Well, my heart is limping back away from the cliff of despair. I cannot believe how very weak I got, even having my faith falter to the extent that I felt completely unlovable even by you, Lord. Even now I feel wounded, exhausted, and uncomfortable within myself. I feel like Garbage People still, but at least I have stopped crying. Lord, I have been taking my hormone creams, so I have a hard time seeing this as simply hormone-related. The anniversary of my Tiny Friend’s death is a week away, and I’ve shed a few tears over that lately, but I still seem unexplicably thin-skinned. I am doubting now that I am strong enough to be a homeless nomad. I crave routine, a comfortable place to sit, and being able to have nice little “homes” for things like my hormone creams, my contacts, and my hand lotion. Silly me. How am I ever going to make it in this new life?!

1 Corinthians 13:3-10 ERV

I may give away everything I have to help others, and I may even give my body as an offering to be burned. But I gain nothing by doing all this if I don’t have love. 
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud. 
Love is not rude, it is not selfish, and it cannot be made angry easily. Love does not remember wrongs done against it. 
Love is never happy when others do wrong, but it is always happy with the truth. 
Love never gives up on people. It never stops trusting, never loses hope, and never quits. 
Love will never end. But all those gifts will come to an end—even the gift of prophecy, the gift of speaking in different kinds of languages, and the gift of knowledge. 
These will all end because this knowledge and these prophecies we have are not complete. 
But when perfection comes, the things that are not complete will end. 

Lord, I feel like Love is very incomplete in me, mostly because it is hard for me to ignore wrongs done to me. Harsh words, scoldings, and “you should have…!” really hit me hard. I feel like a stupid, thin-skinned crazy woman, not a strong person at all. I crave the kind of Love described above and in Isaiah 54. I crave to hear some of the same words of encouragement and comfort that I give to others almost every day. I crave to be held like I hold, hug like I hug, and petted like I pet. What is wrong with me? Why am I not stronger than this? I KNOW that You are ENOUGH, Lord. How has it happened that I feel unworthy of even your Love? I am lost, Shepherd, and I don’t know the way back to your Pasture. Please rescue me. I trust you completely. Amen.


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