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Feb 27

Lord, I really do not know what is going on. I THOUGHT I was doing better yesterday, but that only lasted an hour or so. I tried to keep going, keep working, keep trusting you. But when our landlord called, demanding his money, and I had to hear my husband say the things that he said… I have been a zombie ever since, staring off into space in some sort of daze. I feel desperate for kindness, compassion, understanding, and the support of other humans who can actually DO something to HELP. But all I have is you, Lord. I won’t even say any more, for fear I will hurt myself or someone I care about. Lord, please help me to remember that I am blessed, not cursed, and that I am loved by you, and that is ENOUGH. Carry my heart, Shepherd. I give it to you.

Isaiah 40:28-31 ERV

Surely you know the truth. Surely you have heard. The LORD is the God who lives forever! He created all the faraway places on earth. He does not get tired and weary. You cannot learn all he knows. 
He helps tired people be strong. He gives power to those without it. 
Young men get tired and need to rest. Even young boys stumble and fall. 
But those who trust in the LORD will become strong again—like eagles that grow new feathers. They will run and not get weak. They will walk and not get tired. 

Lord, I really need new feathers — these ones are so worn out they HURT! Or something like that. I don’t even know what I need, truth be told. I can not even assess my own condition. I just hurt. Father, I am weary beyond my understanding. I am struggling with suicidal thoughts and ideations. I feel like there is plenty of hope inside YOU, but that I MYSELF am hopeless, beyond repair, not worthy of help or love or support. I don’t even want to be around myself, but what can I do? I better just stop writing and put my stinky little self in your big, loving hands — and pray that there is SOMETHING there for you to love. Amen.


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