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Feb 25

Good morning, Lord.
Please excuse my broken heart. It feels like it is lying all over the place, scattered throughout my environment. Thank you, Father, for protecting my life. I thank you that I can still look forward to seeing nature. Right now, it is the only thing that seems to be granted me, for I can walk out onto the cold porch and look at the trees, and listen to whatever birds might be up this early. Perhaps the robins are hunting worms as day begins to dawn. Thank you for my connection with your creation, Oh Lord.

Father, I hurt so bad! I had this dream, just moments ago, where a female athlete had a slogan on her website or Facebook or something: “I inspire science”. I think she supported some science organization or something, and had a link to it. I think she may even have given money to it, or had some science articles or some type of information on her website or Facebook page. And I admired her, felt glad that she was alive and sharing with children and other adults, encouraging them in science. Then I woke up. And I realized: Wow! I don’t just inspire science through one website or one Facebook page, I inspire science and history and math and geographic literacy and English literacy and Spanish literacy and handwriting and nature awareness and self awareness and world awareness and creativity… through a dozen different websites and over half a dozen different Facebook pages. Yet I am so ALONE and facing homelessness and the loss of everything I own!! And I know I will meet people some time in my future, who will shed a tear then for my aloneness now, wishing they had known me right now, when I need support the most. And I know that in the future I will help so many countless people in every way I possibly can, pouring out myself just as much as I have since I was a small child and sought to comfort and protect even my own abusers. Why did you make me with such a big heart, Lord? And why am I so alone right now? Would it be such a horrible thing for someone to reach out and give my family a car or a place to stay while we get back on our feet? I have given away a car before, and I have given away a place to live. My husband has given away so much money and cars and rent money and protection for the weak and all sorts of things. I know you want to be our hero and save us at the last minute, Lord, and I give you that right and that honor. But I must be REAL and say that this really, truly HURTS, Lord. It FEELS like I am your kicking post, just a mangy chicken designed to lay eggs and feed others, yet barely given enough resources to survive and keep producing. And yet, how can I complain? I serve only you, Lord. And my biggest desire in life is to be faithful to you. Second is for those that I love to be FREE and know you, and grow in a knowledge of you and relationship with you. That is ENOUGH. I do not NEED companions. I do not NEED any human to support me. It would be NICE to REST for a change and have someone ELSE bring in some income, walk to the store, shop for or prepare food, and do other things that contribute to the needs of the family. But I know with ALL certainty that if I really and truly did NEED those things, YOU would provide, Lord. I trust you completely. Please forgive the leakings of my heart, help me to lay these sorrows at your feet, and move forward, alternately packing up my things in boxes that may just get left behind in an abandoned house — and doing my work, writing for my namesake website and through it and the rest of my online presence, continuing to “inspire” and encourage others in every good thing under the sun. Thank you for giving me a way to help others, Lord. Amen.

Psalm 42:5-11 ERV

Why am I so sad? Why am I so upset? I tell myself, “Wait for God’s help! You will again be able to praise him, your God, the one who will save you.” In my sadness I say, “I will remember you from here on this small hill, where Mount Hermon and the Jordan River meet.” 
I hear the roar of the water coming from deep within the earth. It shouts to the water below as it tumbles down the waterfall. God, your waves come one after another, crashing all around and over me. 
By day the LORD shows his faithful love, and at night I have a song for him—a prayer for the God of my life. 
I say to God, my Rock, “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I suffer this sadness that my enemies have brought me?” 
Their constant insults are killing me. They never stop asking, “Where is your God?” 
Why am I so sad? Why am I so upset? I tell myself, “Wait for God’s help! You will again be able to praise him, your God, the one who will save you.”


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