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Jan 26

Hello, God.
I think this is the lowest I’ve felt so far this year. I pray that you send me some type of encouragement, because I feel like my heart is too heavy to lift, to write, to work, to live. Please heal this hole in my heart, Lord God, and give me hope again.

 
Psalm 3 KJV

A Psalm of David, when he fled from Absalom his son. LORD, how are they increased that trouble me! many are they that rise up against me.
Many there be which say of my soul, There is no help for him in God. Selah.
But thou, O LORD, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.
I cried unto the LORD with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. Selah.
I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the LORD sustained me.
I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people, that have set themselves against me round about.
Arise, O LORD; save me, O my God: for thou hast smitten all mine enemies upon the cheek bone; thou hast broken the teeth of the ungodly.
Salvation belongeth unto the LORD: thy blessing is upon thy people. Selah.

 
I memorized this short psalm when I was in the last week of my third pregnancy. We were homeless, living out of a van, fresh from “escaping” a cult community that my then-husand STILL desperately wanted to return to. Lucky for me, the cult leader had kicked us out. He had basically cursed my unborn child and told me the baby was a curse, quoting the scripture about “those who are with child in the last days”. He was convinced that Jesus was coming back for certain within the next few years, if not immediately. This man whom my then-husband madly revered had scolded us in front of the whole church, saying sex was only for procreation, and we already had 2 children, so this child I was carrying was nothing but a curse. I later found out (years later) that at the same time he was saying this to us, he was meanwhile molesting the daughters of his most faithful converts, telling them it was a great honor to have this “prophet” share their bed.

We had been driving for a couple months but had many small miracles along the way: finding money, being helped by strangers, even being temporarily “adopted” by a family in Flagstaff, Arizona during Thanksgiving. Christmas came and went, and just before New Years a Christian agency paid for us to stay a week in a hotel. On the morning of the last paid day, I went into labor. My then-husband luckily talked them into giving us one more week, but we were still so “brainwashed” that we were not “allowed” to seek medical care. I hadn’t seen a doctor the entire length of the pregnancy, and I gave birth to my third son on the floor of that hotel bathroom. It was actually the most peaceful of all my births (I have 4 kids), partly due to my constant repetition to myself of the above psalm. I remember many sleepless nights, going into the hotel closet with my bible and closing the door so that the light didn’t wake my then-husband and 2 kids. I would read that psalm over and over and try to memorize it so I could “take it” back to bed with me. Those were hard days, and were about to get a LOT harder as both my newborn son and I almost died about a week later — me from retaining some of the placenta (again, never saw a doctor for that, either), and my newborn son from contracting RSV (respiratory virus complicated by pneumonia). He is now 20 years old and in the air force, and I am still being helped by Psalm 3 through THESE rough days. Like today.

Lord, you see my heart better than I can. You know what I need, to make it, to keep going, to keep my faith. I feel so many different conflicting emotions right now, I cannot even be sure that I am loved by you or by any human on this earth. There is only one thing I can be sure of — YOU are FAITHFUL, God! And that means that whatever happens to me, it will be your will and purpose for me, and I actually have nothing to fear, not even the “death” of mine own heart. Father, it is heavy. I cannot even lift it up to give it to you. Please come alongside me and lift my heart up enough for me to give it to you.

 

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