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Jul 20

Lord I thank you so, so much for having my husband call me last night, and letting him be LIGHT…!! How very awesome to laugh with my best friend again! Lord, you see everything inside and behind and ahead of each of us, and you know what we each need most. I keep saying that the one thing I want most is to be found faithful to the end, and the second thing is for those I love to be FREE and to know you personally. Lord, I thank you for making my Mate seem free again! That brings me so very much joy…! Please keep us both close to you, Lord, no matter how far apart or close together our physical bodies are. I love him so much, Lord. I think he still loves me quite a bit, too. I give him to you, Father. I chose him, but he is not mine. I pray that you do whatever he needs, so that he may continue to be this free and light, or even more so. I put our relationship in your hands, and I ask you to not allow either one of us to destroy it, or to bring each other down. Teach us to treat each other better, to be an example to others, and a miraculous support to each other. Amen. I trust you with my very best friend, Shepherd, with my favorite of all your creations. Help me to help him, Lord, even as I remain faithful to YOU. Amen. Thank you for hearing my heart, Lord Jesus, and coming to my rescue. You have never let me down.

 
Psalm 51:10-17 ERV

God, create a pure heart in me, and make my spirit strong again. 
Don’t push me away or take your Holy Spirit from me. 
Your help made me so happy. Give me that joy again. Make my spirit strong and ready to obey you. 
I will teach the guilty how you want them to live, and the sinners will come back to you. 
God, spare me from the punishment of death. My God, you are the one who saves me! Let me sing about all the good things you do for me! 
My Lord, I will open my mouth and sing your praises! 
You don’t really want sacrifices, or I would give them to you. 
The sacrifice that God wants is a humble spirit. God, you will not turn away someone who comes with a humble heart and is willing to obey you. 

 
Lord, I thank you for humbling me over and over in so many ways, through so many trials over the past years. I thank you for the new insights and instructions you’ve given me in the last several hours. Please help me to remember your teachings, both those provided through your written Word, and those you’ve given me through your Holy Spirit, which dwells in me richly. Please bless my dear friend in New York with peace, please bless my sister for her amazing ability to put up with little me, and please be with my son today as he moves to his new apartment while trying to maintain his grade point average in his triple-paced summer class. Thank you also for the amazing people I’ve met recently, both those here in Iowa and those I barely got to know in Denton, Texas. Please show me how to give back to your awesome people. Help me to NOT try to figure things out, for I suck at that. Instead, empower me to just enJOY the things that ARE, and let go of control. I give it all to you, my Lord. Amen.

 

Jul 17

Lord, I feel crushed by sorrow and homesickness! I miss my husband, my HOME, but I fear that home is gone, swallowed up by this world and its cares, deadlines, responsibilities, and temptations. I sit here helpless, wondering if I will ever have a chance to see him be FREE and light, knowing there is almost nothing I can do to make that happen. You are the mover of men’s hearts, Lord. Please move my husband’s heart and mind and body in the direction of his own pure freedom, no matter what that involves. I have enough from this life. I pretty much want nothing for myself. But he has experienced so little of the lightness and freedom and joy that you have allowed to me, Father. I still give my life for my friend, my chosen Mate. Show me how to help him, Shepherd. And help me to just relax, let go of my worry, and just trust YOU to take care of everything else, Lord. Amen.

 
Psalm 62:5-12 ERV

I must calm down and turn to God; he is my only hope. 
He is my Rock, the only one who can save me. He is my high place of safety, where no army can defeat me. 
My victory and honor come from God. He is the mighty Rock, where I am safe. 
People, always put your trust in God! Tell him all your problems. God is our place of safety. Selah 
People cannot really help. You cannot depend on them. Compared to God, they are nothing— no more than a gentle puff of air! 
Don’t trust in your power to take things by force. Don’t think you will gain anything by stealing. And if you become wealthy, don’t put your trust in riches. 
God says there is one thing you can really depend on, and I believe it: “Strength comes from God!” 
My Lord, your love is real. You reward all people for what they do.

 
Lord, my husband and I always pray for you to open and close the right doors, so that we can know and do your will, not our own. I miss those prayers. I miss that unity – what little of it we’ve been able to experience, before the enemy comes and steals it away again. I cry for that loss, and I ask you to restore what has been stolen.

 
Shepherd, I ask you to help me find my way this day through the overwhelming maze of open and closed doors, the mess of both wide open and extremely limited options. On the one hand, I have a dozen different websites I can build, so many things I could work on, digital projects of things to create and skills to practice. And that is just my business, my personal “brain work”! I also have a zillion different physical tasks just waiting for me here at my sister’s house, things I COULD clean and organize and do for her while she is away at work. Lord, you see my heart, how I sincerely desire to accomplish all of these and so much more! And yet, there are seemingly impossible restrictions on each one of them.

 
The Texas heat has followed me, resulting in an uncharacteristic heat wave here in Iowa. The most pressing chore outdoors seems to be mowing, yet the nature of the machines and my inexperience, the lay of the land and its current heat index, combined with my sluggish aching heart and desire to be in the house to hear when my husband calls, all conspire to create a seemingly CLOSED door on outdoor work right now. Yet I am limited in my own indoor work by having practically NO internet. Lord, why did you or my sister not tell me that she had an insanely low internet limit of 9 GB per month?! If I had known that, I would have been super frugal and only used it for the most essential things! But I haven’t had an internet limit myself (other than NO internet!) in like 4 years, and when I did it was never less than 150 GB, easily paying another $10 for each additional 100 GB. So now I have innocently used her tiny 10 GB mostly on entertainment, mostly yesterday… and I have nothing left for work, not to mention putting strain on our relationship and perhaps lowering my level of welcome and acceptance. This hurts, Lord. I really didn’t know! I did not get any check in my spirit, that I was doing anything wrong. I thought I was taking care of myself, allowing myself time to relax and enjoy somewhat of a “vacation”.

 
Now I feel like a total idiot, while I still have NO phone reception (cannot even text anyone!) and pretty much NO internet now, which means NO communication with anyone other than if someone calls the landline here and I happen to hear the phone ring. All stores and towns are way too far away to walk to, and I am not sure even my tiny bit of mobile data will work here. Lord, I am more isolated than I remember ever being. If it weren’t for the heat and the self-inflicted pressure of wanting to show progress on physical labors while my sister is gone and interact socially when she is here, I might be able to see this as an opportunity to just withdraw into you and your creation, and focus on healing and growth. But alas, things are rarely if ever that clean-cut.

 
Father, please forgive my emotional and mental discomfort and my stupid whining. Help me to find my way back to acceptance and gratitude and willingness to do whatever is before me at the given moment. Please move my husband’s heart to call the landline SOON, so that I can at least have an assurance that he is alive and well and not suffering alone somewhere. Heal my broken heart, Lord, and guide me through this intimidating minefield of options and limitations. I still trust you completely. Amen.

 
Lord, please make my mobile data work well enough to send at least this one post, even if it is the last one for a little while. Not my will, but yours be done. Amen.

 

Jul 15

Lord, I kinda don’t see the point. My heart hurts. I meet all kinds of people, and I enjoy them, enjoy seeing you in them, enjoy sharing you with them. But there’s this giant hole in my heart, and I feel incomplete, even obviously misshapen. It amazes me that it is so hidden from the world outside of my aching heart. But I suppose that is always the way of it. I am hanging here, feeling like I am on a cross with you, Jesus. I have to trust that you will either return to me what has been lost, or fill the void. You are faithful, and I can trust you to not leave me hanging here like this for longer than what is in your loving heart to allow. I pray that you not only heal and restore, but make it all NEW. I see pics from years ago, the freedom and joy and lightness and brilliant camaraderie. Before loss. So much loss. Faithful Shepherd, I give to you my heart and I trust you with it. Do to me what you will. But I ask you for the lightness back. I ask you for complete healing, for a fresh new start. I ask you for a restoration of all that has been lost. And I accept what you have to give me, no matter what. Prepare me and lead me in YOUR way, Oh Lord. Amen.

 
Luke 22:39-43 ERV

Jesus left the city and went to the Mount of Olives. His followers went with him. (He went there often.) He said to his followers, “Pray for strength against temptation.” 
Then Jesus went about 50 steps away from them. He knelt down and prayed, 
“Father, if you are willing, please don’t make me drink from this cup. But do what you want, not what I want.” 
Then an angel from heaven came to help him. 

 
Luke 22:42-43 KJV

Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done. 
And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.

 
Lord, I know that these present trials I am facing are nothing compared to what you have suffered. Thank you for enduring all that you did, so that we may have a relationship with you and with the Father, and to live with the Breath of your awesome Holy Spirit. Thank you for being our High Priest. Thank you for being brother, friend, and Husband. Thank you for always being my Head, my cover, my protection, my Provider. Thank you for being the faithful Shepherd of your flock. Lord, please strengthen me — enischuo, above — invigorate me and give me a PLACE where I fit, a purpose in your plan, and a HOME in your Body. I look down and I see only one set of Footprints in the sand right now. Thank you for carrying me while I heal, while I wait for your restoration. Thank you for carrying my heart. I trust you completely. Amen.

 

Jul 14

Good morning, Father!
How awesome to be sitting at a desk again! And even better — to hear the birds singing outside the OPEN window right NEXT to me, such an abundance of birds that I have yet to identify a few songs I’ve never heard before…! I have a couple hundred pics and videos of various old friends and new — catbirds and nuthatches, ash trees and sumacs, day lilies and catnip and some awesome blue wildflower that I have determined to be somewhat of a photogenic mascot — and I must get better pics ASAP while they are at their peak all over this place…! And there are two friendly horses (a horse and a pony, actually) right up the road, the Arabian being a friendly perky type that gets excited when I talk to her. She arches her graceful neck and does the Arabian-tail thingie that always looks so playful and spirited to me.

 

 
Romans 8:19-26 ERV

Everything that God made is waiting with excitement for the time when he will show the world who his children are. The whole world wants very much for that to happen. 
Everything God made was allowed to become like something that cannot fulfill its purpose. That was not its choice, but God made it happen with this hope in view: 
That the creation would be made free from ruin—that everything God made would have the same freedom and glory that belong to God’s children. 
We know that everything God made has been waiting until now in pain like a woman ready to give birth to a child. 
Not only the world, but we also have been waiting with pain inside us. We have the Spirit as the first part of God’s promise. So we are waiting for God to finish making us his own children. I mean we are waiting for our bodies to be made free. 
We were saved to have this hope. If we can see what we are waiting for, that is not really hope. People don’t hope for something they already have. 
But we are hoping for something we don’t have yet, and we are waiting for it patiently. 
Also, the Spirit helps us. We are very weak, but the Spirit helps us with our weakness. We don’t know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit himself speaks to God for us. He begs God for us, speaking to him with feelings too deep for words.

 
Lord, it is so very, very good to be back around nature again…!!! I feel at HOME here, able to go walking down the road at any time of the day or night; to wander after dark along the pastures, watching the lightshow put on by fireflies; to chatter quietly to my Creator, appreciating your miraculous creations everywhere I turn. Lord, I don’t know exactly WHY you made me so intensely aware of your creation and its groaning in anticipation of what WILL come — a more natural nature alluded to in the verses above. It seems like just one of the many ways in which I do not fit in with everyone else and the “normal” expectations of society. I don’t think I could ever value money and the things that it can buy like I do the the tiny moss, the stately oak, the curve of a swallow’s wing. Please teach me how to USE this Love you’ve planted in me, Father. Show me how I can share my strengths in a way that helps people, draws them closer to you or at least helps them achieve a heart made lighter with gratitude. Heal your people, Shepherd! 😀

 

Jul 9

Lord, I am fixing to leave Texas in a couple hours, first time out of this state in about 6 or 7 years… and to be honest, I’m feeling pretty nervous. I really don’t understand why. I could guess, and I can be lenient on myself and self-compassionate and make all kinds of understanding and forgiving statements, but the truth is I do not have thoughts running around in my head that would produce the physical anxiety-type symptoms my body is experiencing. And although I am feeling some pretty intense emotions, they are running more towards sadness and remorse for how things are, rather than anxiety or any of its kin. I don’t feel depressed, but have been quite hopeful. Lord, my blood pressure is up, like it was on July 4th just before I had that weird comatose problem where my breathing kept trying to stop on me. Luckily, my blood pressure is not THAT high, and I have not been around the dust and dirt and mold spores of the camper, nor have I ingested anything I might react to, like the 2 cans of Monster energy drinks I’d had that day. So, perhaps my body is doing the feeling for me, so my mind and heart can be more at ease. To be honest, I’d rather feel totally skitzed out, in exchange for a reassurance that my husband has peace and hope right now. But I have no idea how he is — I’ve talked to him about 10 minutes total in the last 5 days or so, and he still does not have a phone. Father, I give it ALL to you, trusting you to take care of BOTH of us through these difficult days. Thank you for your faithful care, Lord. Please give me a safe trip to Iowa and please keep my Mate safe and hopeful and strong. Amen.

 
Romans 15:8-13 ERV

I tell you that Christ became a servant of the Jews to show that God has done what he promised their great ancestors. 
Christ also did this so that the non-Jewish people could praise God for the mercy he gives to them. The Scriptures say, “So I will give thanks to you among the people of other nations; I will sing praise to your name.” 
And the Scriptures say, “You people of other nations should be happy together with God’s people.” 
The Scriptures also say, “Praise the Lord all you people of other nations; all people should praise the Lord.” 
And Isaiah says, “Someone will come from Jesse’s family. He will come to rule over the nations, and they will put their hope in him.” 
I pray that the God who gives hope will fill you with much joy and peace as you trust in him. Then you will have more and more hope, and it will flow out of you by the power of the Holy Spirit. 

 
Lord, help me to be a good servant, humble and teachable and willing to listen with my big mouth shut. Help my ears be more closely linked to my heart than to my ego. Help me to develop a greater sense of compassion and understanding for all people. And please increase the HOPE that will carry us crazy Homeless Nomads through this unexpected, unplanned temporary separation. PLEASE provide him with a phone ASAP, Lord. I still trust you completely, my faithful Shepherd. Lead on!

 

Jul 8

Lord, please help my broken little heart. I am so very, very grateful for your miraculous provision, for making a way for me to go visit my sister, who actually sees it as a blessing for me to come, so that I’m not just a burden AND I can even help her with some things around her house, so I know I will be blessed with being able to share your awesome Love! Thank you so much for surrounding me with the Love of friends and family — I stand in awe!! But Lord, you also see the tears in my heart that are right there mixed in among the smiles and joy. I have to leave the state that my husband is in, leave him in a very delicate state indeed, and trust you to take care of him, AND to protect our relationship, our team, our future. I didn’t see this happening, Lord, but I don’t see any other way. I am trusting you with my heart, which happens to have a huge part of it with his name on it. You know all, see all, and are faithful through it all. No matter what happens, I can trust you to take good, good care of BOTH of us crazy “homeless nomads”. I pray that you give me a chance to finally see my husband be FREE and light — after so many years spent waiting and praying for just such a miracle. Thank you for taking me on this coming adventure, Shepherd, no matter how much tears are in my coffee, lol.

 
1 Peter 1:3-7 ERV

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God has great mercy, and because of his mercy he gave us a new life. This new life brings us a living hope through Jesus Christ’s resurrection from death. 
Now we wait to receive the blessings God has for his children. These blessings are kept for you in heaven. They cannot be ruined or be destroyed or lose their beauty. 
God’s power protects you through your faith, and it keeps you safe until your salvation comes. That salvation is ready to be given to you at the end of time. 
I know the thought of that is exciting, even if you must suffer through different kinds of troubles for a short time now. 
These troubles test your faith and prove that it is pure. And such faith is worth more than gold. Gold can be proved to be pure by fire, but gold will ruin. When your faith is proven to be pure, the result will be praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ comes. 

 
Lord, it is the wee hours of the morning, but I cannot sleep. My heart is troubled. I miss my Mate so very much already, and I do not want to leave him behind in Texas. Yet I do not want to be with him while the enemy has tricked our ears into only hearing the negative in what each other says. It is hard for me to believe that time alone will heal our wounds, but I also know that you are the Mover of Men’s Hearts. And you are faithful. Please be the Living Hope for my Mate and for myself. And protect our blessings and our faith. I put my marriage and my relationship with my Soul Mate of 33 years in your very capable and loving hands, Oh Lord. I choose your way, your timing, your care. Lead on!

 

Jul 7

Happy 87th birthday to my dad, if he were alive. And to my true Father: Lord, I am daring to hope. I have contacted over a dozen different peeps in the area, looking for a possible temporary sublease arrangement, now that I have possible help from my family. What an unexpected surprise!! I don’t know if this is how you will provide for me, Lord, but I am staying open to all possibilities and I pray that you help me stay humble, teachable, and willing to do things YOUR way, in your timing. Thank you, kind Shepherd, for encouraging me and protecting me. Thank you for allowing me time to recover in my son’s apartment, out of the Texas summer heat, while I rest my “poor tootsies” as my mother used to say. Please make my blisters heal up enough that I can walk a couple more miles this evening again. Thanks for helping me be strong, helping me to believe in myself and in life again!! 😀

 
Malachi 2:17 KJV

For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously. 

 
Lord, I thank you for how my relationship to this chapter of the Bible has changed and grown over the past several years. I thank you for MERCY between husband and wife, between brothers and sisters, between children and our heavenly Father. I thank you for the beauty of this one verse, how the wife is a garment that you have designed to “cover” (kasah = “fill up”) and adorn her husband (Hebrew leboosh = garment, literally or figuratively especially in application as a WIFE). Father, you see all that has passed between my husband and myself since we met 33 years ago. You see what destruction the enemy has attempted in our relationship this last month, and over the past years. I thank you for preserving us through it all, and I ask you to help us grow ever closer and more wise and kind and patient and supportive in our dealings with each other. Please watch over my husband in this heat, as I once again have no contact with him whatsoever. Please show your mercy and give him a phone to use, or lead him to where I am at, so we can check in with each other. Please shower your mercy and peace upon him, Lord. Let him feel the comfort of your presence. Amen.

 

Jul 6

Lord, I thank you for my dear newly found sister who has been so faithfully helping me, encouraging me probably more than any human ever has. I thank you for my sister-in-law who has stepped in to help in any way they can. I thank you for the new peeps I’ve met in the last 24 hours, since I’ve struck out on my own. And I thank you for the countless tiny miracles you’ve provided along the way, while I’ve been walking these 11 miles so far, all around town. Thank you for my boots and backpacks. Thank for keeping my blisters small, lol. Thank you for the cooling rain yesterday evening, and the cooled buildings I can recover in, one of which provided me with some cooling honeydew melon!! Thank you for nature everywhere I walk, reminding me WHO is always in charge. Lord, I still trust you. I know that just as you can feed the birds in the city and make wildflowers to grow in every crack and crevice, you can provide a place and a way for me to thrive as well. I look forward to seeing how you move in my life in the coming days, Shepherd.

 
Hosea 3 ERV

Then the Lord said to me again, “Gomer has many lovers, but you must continue loving her. Do this because it is an example of the Lord’S love for Israel. He continues to love them, but they continue to turn to other gods, and they love to eat those raisin cakes. ” So I bought Gomer back for 6 ounces of silver and 9 bushels of barley. Then I told her, “You must stay at home with me for many days. You will not be like a prostitute. You will not have sexual relations with another man. I will be your husband.” In the same way the people of Israel will continue many days without a king or a leader. They will be without a sacrifice or a memorial stone. They will be without an ephod or a household god. After this, the people of Israel will come back and look for the Lord their God and for David their king. In the last days they will come to honor the Lord and his goodness.

 
Lord, I thank you for redeeming us, purchasing us and making us your own. I thank you for giving me this time without an earthly leader, so that I can focus on you and grow strong again. Father, I have been battered by shame my entire life, but you make all things new. I ask you to restore and renew the TEAM that is my Mate and myself, strengthen our joints and our bones, cleanse our unified flesh. Keep my husband strong and safe, draw him close and give him peace. And please provide a safe place for me to go for the next weeks or months, while he works on the camper and we grow stronger, separately together, lol. Amen.

 

Jul 5

Lord, I cannot DO this any more. I’m giving up, best as I know how. Please just help me to find some place to put my stuff, or help me throw it all away in the closest dumpster. I want to disappear into the Unknown, hitchhike back up North where it is cooler, where the nature feels like HOME, for try as I might I cannot find any HOME here. Everywhere I go, I am just in the way. I sincerely wish I would have LET GO yesterday, allowed myself to die while I had the chance, when it was so much more comfortable to STOP breathing, than to fight for my life. Now I regret choosing life, choosing to serve. It is pointless, and I am useless here. Please help me find somewhere to rest at last. I want to just go home now.

Jul 3

Okay, Lord, please come to our rescue once again. Life is so very uncomfortable right now, feeling desperate to live free and yet not make anyone else feel burdened! Lord, I do not know what the state of progress is at the moment, because I have no contact with my husband who has no phone and who may or may not be working on the camper in this heat. I only just want you to please protect him and keep him safe and bring him home safely. Lord, my heart is crushed that I spent over 2 weeks reaching out for help in this area, and have had NO calls or offers of help or materials or any leads whatsoever for a place to work on the camper. So it sits in a backyard with NO trees in sight, in a “hood” where only my husband is safe. I feel like giving up, and I am sure he does, too. I don’t understand this, Father, but I still trust you to provide for us. Help us to see what YOU want us to do, and help us to lay down all our distractions and expectations that are not in line with your will and purpose for us. Lead us and preserve us, faithful Shepherd. Amen.

 
Psalm 23 ERV

A song of David. The LORD is my shepherd. I will always have everything I need. 
He gives me green pastures to lie in. He leads me by calm pools of water. 
He restores my strength. He leads me on right paths to show that he is good. 
Even if I walk through a valley as dark as the grave, I will not be afraid of any danger, because you are with me. Your rod and staff comfort me. 
You prepared a meal for me in front of my enemies. You welcomed me as an honored guest. My cup is full and spilling over. 
Your goodness and mercy will be with me all my life, and I will live in the LORD’S house a long, long time. 

 
Father, you see all that is in me, all my strengths and weaknesses, my struggles and my triumphs, my worries and my faith. It pains me greatly that I do not know how or even where my husband is at this moment, this whole last 30+ hours, and I confess to you that at times it SEEMS like you have abandoned us. Lord, I lay my wounded heart at your feet, and I ask you to cover me with your Name instead. I choose to believe you, to believe in you, to trust you, and to accept your will for me. Help me to hear your Voice, help me to know and do your will, help me to remain humble and teachable and able to be used by you to help others. Nurture the fruit of faithfulness and patience in me, Lord. And please bring my husband home safely. Amen.

 

Jul 2

Good morning, Father.
Lord, I really don’t know where I’m at today, I am just trying my best to follow you and not try to critically analyze or overthink things. I trust you, Shepherd. You have never let me down. Thank you for your faithful care. Amen.

 
Ecclesiastes 3:1‭-‬8 ERV

There is a right time for everything, and everything on earth will happen at the right time. There is a time to be born and a time to die. There is a time to plant and a time to pull up plants. There is a time to kill and a time to heal. There is a time to destroy and a time to build. There is a time to cry and a time to laugh. There is a time to be sad and a time to dance with joy. There is a time to throw weapons down and a time to pick them up. There is a time to hug someone and a time to stop holding so tightly. There is a time to look for something and a time to consider it lost. There is a time to keep things and a time to throw things away. There is a time to tear cloth and a time to sew it. There is a time to be silent and a time to speak. There is a time to love and a time to hate. There is a time for war and a time for peace.

 
Lord, help me know what time it is, and how I can be faithful to you today. Please bless each of my loved ones with a peaceful day, and help us each to know you better. Thank you for your mercy and grace, Lord.

 

Jul 1

Lord I thank you for the cooler weather today. Thank you for creativity and art. Thank you for my love of learning and my appreciation for words and for people. Please strengthen my heart and help me to be strong and keep looking to you. Amen.

 
Psalms 34:7‭-‬10, 12-13 ERV

The Lord’s angel builds a camp around his followers, and he protects them. Give the Lord a chance to show you how good he is. Great blessings belong to those who depend on him! The Lord’s holy people should fear and respect him. Those who respect him will always have what they need. Even strong lions get weak and hungry, but those who go to the Lord for help will have every good thing.
Do you want to enjoy life? Do you want to have many happy days? Then avoid saying anything hurtful, and never let a lie come out of your mouth.

 

Jun 30

Hello, Father.
Lord, I feel useless, worthless, a failure. I cannot provide for my children, was not able to rise above the damaging effects of a torturous childhood to become a “success” enough to be financially stable and supportive of my family. This is one of those days when I wonder WHY oh WHY you allowed me to live through all the events in the first two decades of my life when I perhaps SHOULD have died. I was thrown out a window and left for dead when I was still in diapers (where the magnificent bass of nearby trains comforted me, then later my father retrieved me), got left hanging in a meat freezer with so many other sides of beef and almost froze to death, was very nearly drowned and forced to bury the other girl who did not make it, then was buried alive myself (and you appeared to me so sweetly, Lord Jesus — thank you!!) as a Samhain sacrifice at the age of 5, then only months later was severely tortured for 8 days straight like something out of one of the worst kinds of horror movies… by that time my father was routinely raping me… then I had a reprieve from THAT when I got my head beat in, resulting in a closed head injury that still effects me to this day… blah blah blah until my father himself gave me a neck injury just years before his death, that I still suffer from DAILY…! WHY, Lord? Why have you kept me alive through all that? What good am I to anyone? I feel like I am a burden to everyone I meet, when my heart so longs to HELP them…! What good does my hope, my joy, my faith do anyone besides myself?! What good does it do to have so much of your Love inside me, but not have an outlet for it? What are your intentions for me, Shepherd? I just want to hide, or die. HELP me, Lord Jesus, to just trust and obey. Comfort my achy heart, make me strong enough to be out in public all day without crying and making people feel uncomfortable. Amen.

 
Job 3:20-23 ERV

Why must a suffering person continue to live? Why let anyone live such a bitter life? 
Such people want to die, but death does not come. They search for death more than for hidden treasure. 
They would be happy to find their grave. They would rejoice to find their tomb. 
But God keeps their future a secret and builds a wall around them to protect them.

 
Lord, I know that many — perhaps most — people that have ever lived on this planet actually FEAR death. I thank you that I have been spared that fear, for having faced it over and over again in the first decade of my life, I have since only been able to see death as the reward for having lived, a time of final REST, a cessation of struggle. I love, love, love the feeling of “going under” when being prepped for surgery so much that it is amazing I am not attracted to any drugs (or even alcohol) that mimick that sensation. Instead, I just want to keep learning, keep growing. That is my “high” and my “escape”. Yet learning and growing do not earn me an income. I bear only spiritual fruits, not any that I can trade for money to help my husband and my children. I WANT to thank you again for making me a fool for you, but I confess to you that right now I feel PAINED by my status as “garbage people” — please forgive me this moment of self-pity, Lord, and help me to find a way out of this sorrowful trap. Thank you, Faithful Shepherd. Amen.

 

Jun 29

Good morning, Father.
Thank you for HOPE that I might be able to spend some time at the library today, practicing PHP and a few different Adobe CC applications. Lord, I want to just hide inside you today. Life seems too harsh and cold otherwise. Thank you for the kindness and cheerfulness of a few people who are really helping my heart lately, and thank you for helping me stay strong enough to help my husband whenever he needs it. Please let my work fuel me today. Help me meet obstacles with positivity and an attitude of adventurous learning. Don’t let the mini failures and setbacks of the learning curve discourage me too badly, Father. Help me get a step closer to achieving the vision you set before me — part of my heart’s desire. Thank you for helping me to keep that vision safe between you and I, Lord, so that it does not get degraded or damaged in the telling.

 
from Psalm 69 (various verses) ERV

I am getting weak from calling for help. My throat is sore. I have waited and looked for your help until my eyes are hurting. 
God, you know my faults. I cannot hide my sins from you. 
My Lord GOD All-Powerful, don’t let me embarrass your followers. God of Israel, don’t let me bring disgrace to those who worship you. 
My face is covered with shame. I carry this shame for you. 
My strong devotion to your Temple is destroying me. Those who insult you are also insulting me. 
When I spend time crying and fasting, they make fun of me.
As for me, LORD, this is my prayer to you: Please accept me! God, I want you to answer me with love. I know I can trust you to save me. 
Pull me from the mud, and don’t let me sink down deeper. Save me from those who hate me. Save me from this deep water. 
Don’t let the waves drown me. Don’t let the deep sea swallow me or the grave close its mouth on me. 
Answer me, LORD, from the goodness of your faithful love. Out of your great kindness turn to me and help me! 

 
Lord, when I think of going to the library and perhaps a few other strategic places around the college campus, learning, practicing new skills, making progress… I feel gleeful, confident, bold, and excited! I feel like I have a home, a place where my skills and personal strengths can shine and eventually help others abundantly! 😀 But when I think of staying here or going to where the camper is, for various reasons I feel defeated, useless, shameful, vulnerable, weak and worthless. I do not know if this is a way that you are guiding me, Lord. I do not want to choose the “easy” way just because it is more pleasant to me. Help me to choose YOUR way, Shepherd. Guide me to the places that YOU would have me to be today. Help me see these opposing opportunities clearly, through your eyes rather than through my dim human vision. Help me to hear you more clearly, the voice of my faithful Shepherd — and help me to always choose you. Amen.

 

Jun 28

Hello, Father!
Thank you so much for being so near, such a comfort and encouragement to me! Thank you for helping me stay so calm, just letting other’s anger pass right over me. Thank you for always providing me with a sweet spot, a place with shade and even a pleasant breeze, even when there isn’t any space or time to sit and rest. Thank you for encouraging me and sustaining me in so many countless ways, every day of my crazy life, Shepherd. Thank you for choosing me and making me yours.

 
1 Corinthians 12:7‭-‬11 ERV

Something from the Spirit can be seen in each person. The Spirit gives this to each one to help others. The Spirit gives one person the ability to speak with wisdom. And the same Spirit gives another person the ability to speak with knowledge. The same Spirit gives faith to one person and to another he gives gifts of healing. The Spirit gives to one person the power to do miracles, to another the ability to prophesy, and to another the ability to judge what is from the Spirit and what is not. The Spirit gives one person the ability to speak in different kinds of languages, and to another the ability to interpret those languages. One Spirit, the same Spirit, does all these things. The Spirit decides what to give each one.

 
Lord, I thank you for helping me see your Spirit not only in your people, but also in your other creations, from the tiniest moss to the grandest trees. I thank you for helping me absorb all the basics of PHP in a day, building upon knowledge and experience I already had. I thank you for the awesome personal vision I had yesterday, and I ask you to lead me forward in developing it according to your will and your purpose and in your timing. Father, you see my heart and all that is in it. You know what is best for both me and my husband. Part of me wants to “run away” and just live the college campus style of life for just as long as I possibly can. I seem to thrive here, walking back and forth to the library and other academic buildings, with my Lenny and the rest of my portable office on my back, easily blending into the atmosphere of study and learning which is about as natural to me as nature itself. I don’t think I will make it, going with my husband to work on the camper in that harsh environment. I do not see any place at all for me there. In fact, it feels almost suicidal to me, Lord! While I want to help my husband, this new possibility just seems impossible for ME. You see all that is in my heart, Lord. You know even the things I cannot express. And I trust you, Shepherd. You will keep my heart and mind and body and spirit safe. You will help me to be content in every situation, and to grow and learn almost every single day. Thank you for caring for little me, Father. Amen.

 

Jun 27

Hello, Father.
Thank you for clean clothes — one of my favorite luxuries now!! I used to do laundry practically every day, and I never wore the same clothes or used the same towel or washrag twice before washing them, but now that I am homeless and do not own a washer or dryer, every time I go to a laundromat — about every 10 to 15 days — it is a big event and I am so very, very grateful! How awesome that yet another thing I used to take for granted is now such a source of delight! Thank you for making me “Little Miss Sunshine” again, Lord, and please teach me how to stay upbeat and fulfilled and not get so very weary like I did last week. Thank you for the awesome time at the library and walking around town by myself yesterday, Lord. I guess I really needed that introvert time, and it did me wonders to be motivated by all the awesome books and interesting subjects and all the brainstorming and ideas for products and projects. Father, please guide me in what YOU would have me to do with my time, wherever I am and wherever I go. Thank you for all the awesome Little Things along the way — like clean clothes. LOL

 
Luke 16:8-13 ERV

“Later, the master told the dishonest manager that he had done a smart thing. Yes, worldly people are smarter in their business with each other than spiritual people are. 
“I tell you, use the worldly things you have now to make ‘friends’ for later. Then, when those things are gone, you will be welcomed into a home that lasts forever. 
Whoever can be trusted with small things can also be trusted with big things. Whoever is dishonest in little things will be dishonest in big things too. 
If you cannot be trusted with worldly riches, you will not be trusted with the true riches. 
And if you cannot be trusted with the things that belong to someone else, you will not be given anything of your own. 
“You cannot serve two masters at the same time. You will hate one master and love the other. Or you will be loyal to one and not care about the other. You cannot serve God and Money at the same time.” 

 
Lord, I’ve never been very “smart” in my business. I learned HTML in one weekend in order to create my first website when I began graduate classes back in 2004, and I have since created thousands of pages of printable products that are currently being used by educators all over the world, but I suppose the fact that I give away 80-90% of the materials I make for FREE makes me very much NOT “smart”. Lord, I lift this up to you, and I ask you to reveal to me the flaws of my business dealings. I sincerely do not know if you want me to charge more, or to start charging for what I currently give away. I would rather just keep giving them away and to create new things, some of which I can charge money for and some of which I still desire to give away for free. Lord, if this is wrong please change my heart. I see the strain that is upon my husband for not having money to get the things we need — like a livable camper — yet I also see the freedom that is a direct reward or consequence for not paying rent and utilities any longer. I ask you to enlighten my mind and show me how to use the skills and other resources you have provided — including TIME, in a way which is pleasing to you. Teach me, Shepherd. Make me more wise in business and in life. But above all, please make me grow in Love. Amen.

 

Jun 26

Lord, I am pretty frustrated this morning. I feel a bit embarassed, even ashamed, that we have not made more progress in the last 3 or 4 weeks. Although I had no concrete expectations back in March or April when we thought we would soon become “homeless nomads”, my subconscious expectation was to at least be OUT of Texas by now, free to travel from one state to another or at least from one free campground to another, following your leading. I confess openly to you that I do mildly resent the fact that we have been in the same place for over 3 weeks now, and we still do not have a livable camper, and our truck is still stuffed with STUFF, still in storage mode. I am sorry for my weakness and my weepiness, Oh Faithful Shepherd. I know that your will and your timing is much better than anything I could orchestrate myself. Please help me to rest in you and not be so rest-LESS! Show me what to do with my time, what applications to practice or products to create, or videos to produce… or even MORE ways to reach out to even MORE people to try to find somewhere to park the camper while we rebuild it. I feel helpless, even useless today, Lord. I crave progress, but I will not force my will. Help me to accept YOUR will and timing instead. Amen.

 
Acts 4:23-30 ERV

Peter and John left the meeting of Jewish leaders and went to their own group. They told the group everything that the leading priests and the older Jewish leaders had said to them. 
When the believers heard this, they all prayed to God with one purpose. They said, “Master, you are the one who made the sky, the earth, the sea, and everything in the world. 
Our ancestor David was your servant. With the help of the Holy Spirit he wrote these words: ‘Why are the nations shouting? Why are the people planning such useless things? 
The kings of the earth prepare themselves to fight, and the rulers all come together against the Lord and against his Messiah.’ 
That’s what actually happened when Herod, Pontius Pilate, the other nations, and the people of Israel all came together against Jesus here in Jerusalem. He is your holy Servant, the one you made to be the Messiah. 
These people who came together against Jesus made your plan happen. It was done because of your power and your will. 
And now, Lord, listen to what they are saying. They are trying to make us afraid. We are your servants. Help us to say what you want us to say without fear. 
Help us to be brave by showing us your power. Make sick people well. Cause miraculous signs and wonders to happen by the authority of Jesus, your holy servant.” 

 
Lord, you see all that is in me, my heart’s desires and intentions, all my strengths and weaknesses. You know that I am a DOER, a hyperactive go-getter who cannot stand to be stagnant even for one day, and who finds it difficult to relax in most situations (although nature and certain natural things help!). I would so much rather RUN forward at top speed right now, pausing only long enough to accomplish a dozen little side items along the way. I have so much unused energy just sitting here waiting that I am growing concerned that it is unhealthy for my body. Lord, I want to stay here and be a help mate to my husband today, but I feel anxious that it will result in more delay, more disappointment. Lord Jesus, please help me to lift the burden of my impatience to you today, and leave it at your feet. Help me find contentment in YOUR pace, and help me to find fulfilment in doing whatever YOU give me to do today. I still trust you completely. Thank you for choosing me.

 

Jun 25

Hello, Father.
Thank you for the kindness and Love of your people. Thank you for the fellowship of your Holy Spirit. Thank you for rest, and play, and hope. Lord, I ask you to help us make some serious progress in the next few days. While I do have my own ideas of how I believe things should go, I yield my will and my ideals to you, knowing that you always have a much better plan. Father, I only ask that you make it so my husband and I are NOT a burden to others, but rather that we can bless people and help them somehow, even in small ways. Thank you for all the ways others have helped us recently, and please bless each one for their kindness. Amen.

 
Romans 4:4-8 ERV

When people work, their pay is not given to them as a gift. They earn the pay they get. But people cannot do any work that will make them right with God. So they must trust in him. Then he accepts their faith, and that makes them right with him. He is the one who makes even evil people right. David said the same thing when he was talking about the blessing people have when God accepts them as good without looking at what they have done:“It is a great blessing when people are forgiven for the wrongs they have done, when their sins are erased! It is a great blessing when the Lord accepts people as if they are without sin!”

 
Lord, I thank you for your amazing mercy, accepting us and cleansing us and making us your own children. Please continue to prune me and shape me into a vessel that is pleasing to you. Increase my faith and my calm. Make me strong enough to faithfully serve you and my temporal husband and anyone you give me to help. Thank you, my Shepherd. I look forward to seeing how you deal with us and lead us forward this week.

 

Jun 24

Hello, Father.
Thank you so much for positive conversations, both written and on the phone. Thank you for helping my ears to hear better lately, such a surprise as they usually comprehend very little that is spoken, especially over the phone. I believe you have intervened in this way, helping me to hear and understand in order to receive the help and guidance and encouragement we need! Father, I have a joyful, hopeful feeling, looking forward to getting this little camper repaired and venturing forth, following your Spirit wherever it may lead us. Thank you for the closeness and even the FUN my husband and I have had together this last day or two, and please help the lessons we’ve learned become engrafted and bear fruit in our relationship. Thank you, faithful Shepherd! 😀

 
James 1:19-25 ISV

You must understand this, my dear brothers. Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. 
For human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. 
Therefore, rid yourselves of everything impure and every expression of wickedness, and with a gentle spirit welcome the word planted in you that can save your souls. 
Keep on being obedient to the word, and not merely being hearers who deceive themselves. 
For if anyone hears the word but is not obedient to it, he is like a man who looks at himself in a mirror 
and studies himself carefully, and then goes off and immediately forgets what he looks like. 
But the one who looks at the perfect law of freedom and remains committed to it—thereby demonstrating that he is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of what that law requires—will be blessed in what he does.

 
Lord, I thank you for blessing us thus far, taking care of so many things I could never thank you for them all. I am grateful for your constant presence in our lives, always near, always working on us, always making things happen according to your will and purpose. Father, please teach us to look to you even more, to ask you for guidance rather than doing our own thing. Please make us more sensitive to the leading of your Holy Spirit, and please help us to always be humble and teachable, so that we can become more FREE and more pleasing to you. Amen.

 

Jun 23

Good morning, Father.
Thank you for new understandings, new insights, new growth. Thank you for adequate health and sleep and nutrition. Father, I still have trouble with my vision and these terrible headaches and crazy hormones. So many old injuries seem to be acting up at once, that it seems quite likely to be an attack of the enemy, some type of distraction or discouragement. Therefore I lift my body up to you, a living sacrifice for you, Lord God. My body is your temple, for your Holy Spirit dwells so wonderfully and encouragingly within me. I trust you completely, and I thank you for allowing me to be led of you and be sheltered and protected and nurtured by you. Please help me to share your Love with everyone I come into contact with today, and please continue to grow me for you. Amen!

 
1 Corinthians 6:15-20 ERV

Surely you know that your bodies are parts of Christ himself. So I must never take what is part of Christ and join it to a prostitute! 
The Scriptures say, “The two people will become one.” So you should know that anyone who is joined with a prostitute becomes one with her in body. 
But anyone who is joined with the Lord is one with him in spirit. 
So run away from sexual sin. It involves the body in a way that no other sin does. So if you commit sexual sin, you are sinning against your own body. 
You should know that your body is a temple for the Holy Spirit that you received from God and that lives in you. You don’t own yourselves. 
God paid a very high price to make you his. So honor God with your body. 

 
Lord, I ask you to heal my body, let your Life have its way in my physical being rather than death. Show me how I can minimize the effects of age, past injuries, and current circumstances. Please heal my husband’s body as well, so he can be strong and flexible enough to work on our little camper and any other projects you give us. Make me always strong enough to help him when he really needs it, merciful Shepherd. Please help my heart and mind to be strong and full of your Love, so that when these aches remind me of the abuse that caused them, I do not slip into any form of bitterness or self-pity. I would rather see every little thing I’ve suffered as a way that I have grown and become more pleasing to you. I am grateful for all the lessons you’ve provided, in all their forms. Thank you for your loving care, faithful Shepherd! 😀